An office like many others in Washington DC, except that most of the others were dark. A light on the desk, two phones each with ten lines and voice mail, a computer with headlines scrolling across the top of MSNBC’s homepage, a TV tuned to CNN with sound down and captions running.

It was 7:15 PM on Christmas Eve, but the woman who used this office was still working the phones, applying her own special lobbying methods to a key Senator from California.

“I think you know what a ‘no’ vote on this bill would mean, Senator.”

She had dark hair pulled back in a smoothly lacquered french roll. Her make-up was a perfectly applied study of red lips, black lashes, and ivory skin.

“I’m sure I don’t need to explain to you that actions have consequences. That riots could result if this bill doesn’t pass. I know you understand that even your own home-state might fall victim to violence. I would hate to hear that any innocent bystanders had been injured in something like that. So I leave it to your conscience... By the way, Senator, how are your husband and daughters? I hope your youngest daughter is adjusting to her new school. It is so hard when they transfer in the middle of the year.”

The woman on the phone ran one perfectly polished nail down the side of the phone as she listened to the Senator’s response. She smiled slightly, then she said, “I don’t know what you mean, Senator. I was just making conversation... Good bye, Senator, and merry Christmas.”

She hung up the phone and rubbed her temples for a moment. Then she straightened and made a note on the legal pad next to the phone. She crossed a name off a list and sat for a moment. Her eyes slid over to her right hand desk drawer. She frowned, but then having apparently come to a decision she pulled open the drawer and picked up a bottle of pills that lay inside. Hands shaking slightly, she poured herself a glass of water from the carafe, took two pills and chased them with a gulp of water from the glass. She knew it was too soon, but even as she was swallowing the pills she was sure she felt her mind sharpening, her focus improving, and the emotions of those outside her office becoming clearer.

Just as she put the glass down her intercom buzzed.

“Yes, Karl?”

“Dr. Tate is here to see you, ma’am.”

She closed her eyes for a moment.

“Send him in.”

When her eyes open she faces the door to her office from behind her perfectly applied mask.

The door opened and a tall, lanky man in a suit that looked like he had never worn it before stood hesitantly on the threshold.

“Ed,” she said, “It’s been a long time.”

“Hello, Sloan,” He answered, not bothering to hide his pain, “Merry Christmas.” She felt it arch across her senses, how he ached to hold her, to touch her at all.

She ignored it.

“What brings you to DC?” she asked.

“Don’t play dumb, Sloan. You probably knew I was on the peace negotiation team before I did.”

She had actually. She’d made sure of it. So she just cocked her head and shrugged, “It still doesn’t explain why your *here*.”

“It’s been a long time,” he answered, finally walking the rest of the way into the room and sitting in one of the armchairs across from Sloan. “Marie is with me, and Walter and Ray are in town, too. As I’m sure you already know.” He gave a half-hearted grin, “Come to dinner with us, Sloan. We need to catch up.”

Sloan sat back in her chair consciously moving her face into shadow. It was painful to see herself through his eyes. She sensed his sadness, his loss. His pity.

She hated pity.

“There’s no point in dinner. I won’t change my position on the treaty,” she told him, knowing full well that was not why he wanted her to go.

“Don’t, Sloan,” Ed closed his eyes and she felt him controlling his anger, dissipating it. His eyes opened and looked straight into hers, “You know that has nothing to do with my asking you to dinner. I’m worried about you. I just want to talk.”

“ There’s nothing to talk about.” She stood and moved across the room to look out the window. Her hands shook so she gripped them one in the other and held them in front of her. She felt the breeze of Ed’s mind moving gently against her senses. Soft. Loving. Full of pity.

She slammed down her shields, stronger now that the pills were kicking in, but it was too late. She had felt his love.

There were tears in her eyes, because it hurt so much. Ed’s love. Not the love she wanted to feel. Unbidden, the sweet serious face of another came to her. For a moment she thought she actually saw him standing just behind her in the reflection from the window. His piercing blue eyes so sad and accusing.

Then she felt Ed’s hands on her shoulders, turning her towards him.

“Sloan - “ he cut off as he got a good look at her eyes. Pupils dilated, a slight pink tint. “You’re taking an accelerator! In fact, you’re high right now, aren’t you?!”

“Let go of me,” she said in a low voice.

“How much are you taking? It’ll kill you, Sloan! You know our brains aren’t made to work at that level.” Ed shook her as if he could make her understand.

“Karl.” Sloan didn’t say it very loudly, but the mental summons behind it brought immediate response.

The door opened and Karl, a tall, black, Dominant entered with his hand on his gun.

“Ma’am?”

“Dr. Tate is leaving. Please see him out.”

“Sloan! Stop it!” Ed shook her again. The pain he felt was so strong it seeped through her shields to burn her. “Tom died two years ago! Stop trying to follow him into the grave!”

“Get out!” her facade cracked. She pulled out of his grip and slapped him hard. “Don’t come back, Ed. Ever.”

“Sloan-“ the doctor was cut off by a large hand jerking him towards the door as Karl dragged him out of the office and shut the door behind them.

The two men walked in silence to the elevators, then Ed asked, “How much does she take?”

Karl looked at him for a moment and Ed knew his motivations were being assessed. Finally, Karl answered, “She takes two, sometimes three doses a day.”

Ed rubbed his face hard with both hands. Two or three doses *a day*. Jesus.

“Do you know who’s supplying her?” He had heard that there were dealers out there cutting accelerator with cheaper easier to find cocaine. Strokes and brain hemorrhages were not uncommon.

“She prefers Lewis’s formula, but she will take others if she runs out.” Karl answered.

“I bet he loves that. Having Sloan as his personal junky. Yeah, Lewis would really get off on that.”

“He’s started cutting it.” Karl said slowly.

Ed looked at him sharply, “ With what?”

“Placebo,” Karl said, “Nobody wants her dead, Doctor, it would destabilize the balance of power between the council and the co-existence faction.”

“Is that the only reason you’re here, Karl? To keep an eye on her for the council?” Ed demanded.

“I’m here because she needs me.” Karl answered, “I won’t let anything happen to her doctor. I swear it.”

“Then you had better find a way to wean her off that shit, because one of these nights her nervous system is just going to overload and give out and she’ll simply stop breathing. Then where will your balance of power be, huh?”

As if to punctuate his sentence, the elevator dinged and opened its doors. Ed stepped in, never taking his eyes off Karl, “Take care of her,” was all he said as the doors closed and carried him away.

***

“The Doctor’s visit upset you.” Karl spoke to her from the driver’s seat of the limousine. It was late, almost midnight, and she was finally going back to her apartment.

“Yes,” Sloan answered because she knew there was no point in denying it. Her shields were unstable right now, and she knew Karl was picking up traces. She settled further back in the limo and as they drove by the National Christmas tree, she closed her eyes.

Christmas.

Sleigh bells and tinsel, shopping, bright foil wrapping paper. Peace on Earth. Good will to men. A savior born.

None of it touched Sloan anymore. The holiday meant only one thing to her now. Ashes. Ashes and a few splinters of bone. That was all they had found in the research complex’s disposal furnace on Christmas of 1998.

For the second time tonight she felt herself close to tears, and mentally cursed the maudlin traditions that made Christmas inescapable. She struggled to strengthen her shields before Karl noticed her distress.

“Dr. Parker?”

Too late.

“I’m sorry, Karl. I’m just tired.”

He glanced at her in the mirror of the limo, a frown of concern on his face.

Sloan pinched the bridge of her nose and squeezed her eyes shut as she tried to focus. Going back to the basics that Lewis had taught her more than a year ago when he’d first given her his new accelerator. She imagined a wall around herself. Bright as a mirror, it reflected back any probes. At first the wall rippled, but then it solidified and Sloan knew her emotions were her own again.

“Dr. Tate asked about your accelerator use.” Karl said just as they pulled up to the apartment building. He’d been trying to find a way to broach the subject the entire ride, but it seemed the only thing to do was tell her.

“What did you tell him?” she asked sharply.

“That you take two or three doses a day. That you sometimes take more,” Karl answered, “He was convinced this was excessive and dangerous to your health. He is very... fond of you.”

“If you ever discuss my habits with anyone again, especially Dr. Tate, I will have you replaced, Karl.” Sloan told him, biting off each word with razor like precision. “And if Ed uses that information during the peace negotiations, then I’ll turn you over to Lewis!”

There was silence between them for a moment. Then Karl said simply, “I understand.”

The door man opened the Limo door and Sloan got out and stalked into the lobby without a backward glance.

How dare he.

How dare *they*. Both of them acting as if they had any right to interfere with her choices. As if they had any right to concern themselves with her life at all.

She had picked a dominant assistant exactly because she didn’t want the kind of caring and closeness that could develop working with humans. As well as not wanting to be around uncontrolled unshielded emotions all day. Karl had been excellent up until now. She had come to rely on him. He was always there. Now she would have to find and train a replacement.

She punched at the button for the elevator and the doors opened immediately. She stepped in and pushed 10, her floor. The doors shut.

And there he was looking back at her from the reflection, as if he were standing just behind her. So sad, his eyes. Tom.

Sloan whirled around, but of course she was alone.

“OK.” she muttered to herself, “Hallucinating. It’s been known to happen with accelerators. It’s not that unusual. I’ll call Lewis in the morning and tell him we need to adjust the dosage again.

Lewis. There was another one she had come to rely on. The survivor. Most unlikely, you would think, but after finding Tom’s... remains, Lewis seemed to be the only one who wanted revenge as badly as she did.

He laughed at the idea of peace, having experienced first hand the worst each side could do to the other. No, he would never accept peace. Sloan understood that. But alliances, pacts, Lewis had no trouble with that. He was good at it. And he was right.

There would be no peace.

Lewis had the support of many of the council old timers, and Sloan had the ear of the younger leaders of the coexistence faction. Between them they had enough votes to deadlock the treaty. As long as the treaty continued to call for the Dominant factions to destroy their weapons of mass destruction, Sloan would never agree to sign.

It was only the threat of a bio-engineered plague that had brought the US and the EU to the table in the first place. The threat of loss was an amazing motivator. Tom’s disappearance had taught her that.

In order to find Tom she had learned to work in the Dominant world. One by one her pretty principles had fallen as she worked with Mark’s people and then the chameleons to locate where Tom and Lewis were being held.

Carrying a gun.

Making threats.

Kidnapping.

Torture.

Sloan discovered she could do anything she had to in order to get Tom back. Then, when she realized she was too late, she discovered she couldn’t stop.

The elevator doors were closing before she realized it had arrived at her floor. She stuck out a hand and they bounced open again as she stepped off and went to her door. It was the only apartment on this floor.

She went in, and suddenly realized she was bone tired. She headed straight for the bathroom, shucked off her Chanel suit without a thought and stood in her slip to wash her face.

“I’ve always liked you in that slip.”

Sloan gripped the edge of the bathroom counter and slowly looked up into the mirror.

Tom was standing behind her.

“This is a hallucination,” she said softly to herself, “This isn’t real, it’s a side effect of the accelerator. That’s all.”

“I know it’s hard to accept, Sloan. But you could at least turn around and say hello.”

Shutting her eyes, Sloan turned. Then she braced herself against the counter and opened her eyes.

Tom.

“No,” she muttered to herself, “you can’t be real. It’s not possible. You’re dead. Your ashes are in an urn on my bookshelf!”

“Didn’t I tell you I’d never leave you?” he said and held out his hand.

He was wearing a black sweater and black pants, his usual chameleon get up, and he looked just as fit and as healthy as he had before Ed had given him the geno -genesis drug. Sloan wanted to touch him. God, she wanted this to be real.

Keeping one hand on the counter she reached out, as if stretching across some deep chasm and afraid of falling in. When her fingers touched his, she was undone.

“Ohmigod, Ohmigod, it’s real! You’re real!” Flying into his arms, she kissed him and held him and murmured his name over and over.

They stood that way for several minutes before Tom pulled back. Taking her face in his hands he said, “Sloan, we don’t have a lot of time. There’s a lot I have to show you before I go.”

Sloan froze.

“Go? Go where? For that matter, where have you been?” she asked.

“I’ve been with you. I said I’d never leave you. I’m always with you, Sloan.” He stroked her cheek with his thumb looking at her as he sometimes did, as if he were trying to memorize her face.

“I thought you were dead.” Her voice catches in her throat, but her eyes stay dry.

“I am dead, Sloan.” Tom answered softly, “That’s why we don’t have much time. I’m only able to visit you here for a short time.”

“That’s crazy! You’re here! I feel you! I kissed you!” she beat on his chest to punctuate her words.

“For now, Sloan, but only for now.”

“NO! You’re real!”

“Sloan,” Tom sighed, “always needing proof.”

Then he was gone.

“TOM!” Sloan screamed, looking around the bathroom wildly, then running into the bedroom. There was only the bed and one side table with a matching chest of drawers. There was no place for him to hide. She checked the closet, standing on her tiptoes to see up on the top shelf. Nothing.

Sloan threw herself onto the bed and curled up around a pillow.

Hallucination.

Should call Lewis.

But she couldn’t move. He’d been here. She was sure of it.

“You see, Sloan? I’m a ghost. And we don’t have much time...”

Sloan screamed and threw herself off the bed. Tom was standing on the other side.

“Don’t DO that.” She told him, panting from the adrenaline that was coursing through her system.

“Sorry.” he said.

“Okay, so you’re a ghost. Now what?” She tried to get her breathing under control. There. That was better.

“Sloan, I’m here for a reason. You’ve changed, Sloan, and what you’ve become... It’s not right, Sloan. It’s not what you were meant to be!” As Tom spoke he moved around the bed until he stood with her again, but she didn’t let him hold her this time.

Suddenly the fact that it was Tom standing there telling her this mattered less to Sloan than the fact that here was yet another man telling her she wasn’t living up to their image of clean cut peace-loving anthropologist.

“You were DEAD, Tom, and there were things that had to be done. People that had to be made to pay for that and for their other crimes. Did you think I should just let the black ops types continue to have their own way. Should I have let them replace you with god knows how many other Dominants?”

“But it’s killing you, Sloan. You weren’t always like this. Look.” he swept his arm out wide and the wall of her bedroom dissolved to reveal a scene of merry drunkenness at the lab.

“Anne!” Sloan gasped.

“Sloan, Ed, come on! You’re missing all the fun!” Anne called out.

There were lab workers and student milling around everyone talking and laughing. Sloan came in from her office with Ed, the two of them carrying a huge punch bowl full of questionably pink liquid..

“Is it time for Christmas carols yet?” Sloan asked as they set the bowl down carefully.

“Not for you, Sloan!” Ed groaned, “You’ll crack the glass in the windows!”

“Hey! I resemble that remark!”

“Children, children!” Anne came between them and shook her finger at Sloan, “No arguing on Christmas eve! Remember this is a time of peace, love and understanding!”

 “Ed always said I had a lousy singing voice.” Sloan smiled at the memory, “And of course he’s right. But I loved singing carols at those parties. Anne always had the best Christmas parties.”

“You were invited this year - but you didn’t go. Why?” Tom asked.

“The negotiations were just getting set up, and anyway. Anne’s not there anymore, is she.”

“Ed is.”

“We haven’t spoken in almost a year.”

“Oh, yes,” Tom said as if suddenly remembering something, “That’s right. Last Christmas.”

The scene shifted.

The room was small and dark. A woman sat tied to a chair her head hanging down. Sloan stood in front of her facing Ed, Walter and Rei.

“ You should all leave now.” Sloan said, grimly.

“You can’t do this.” Ed told her. He held his hands out, as if begging, “She can be turned over to the police, Sloan, we have plenty of evidence. We can put her away!”

“For how long, Ed? How long before she gets a government ordered get-out-of-jail-free card? Huhn?” Sloan shook her head, “Lewis and his men will be here any second. I promised him that once we got what we needed from her they could have her.”

“Sloan, do you know what they’ll do to her?” Ray asked softly, obviously not liking the answers he was coming up with.

“They won’t do half what I would if I could.” Sloan ground the words out between her teeth, “But I promised Lewis he’d have his turn.”

“Ed, Ray,” Walter broke in, “Let’s go.”

“Walter what are you saying? We can’t just turn her over like this, no trial, no knowing what Lewis might do...” Ed trailed off. Sloan showed no signs of yielding and Walter seemed inclined to let her have this her way.

“Just go.” Sloan told Ed, “Go home to Marie and your nice little Dominant babies, and let me do what I have to to make sure they don’t end up like Tom.”

Ed flinched at that, but then got angry, “No. Don’t you put this off on me or Marie or anybody else. You and Lewis have your own personal vendetta’s going and it’s eating you alive, Sloan. don’t make me any part of it.”

He turned on his heel and left.

“That was the last time I saw him.” Sloan said.

“Until today.”

“Until today.” She agreed as she looked up at Tom with sad eyes, and was surprised to see that they were sitting on the bed now. How had that happened? God, she was tired.

The picture on the wall fuzzed out again, and when it swam back into focus she saw Ed and Ray and Walter along with Ed’s wife Marie, sitting at a table in a restaurant.

“I’m worried about her. She wasn’t herself.” Ed was saying.

“She hasn’t been herself since Tom died.” Ray put in.

“I didn’t know her before Tom died,” Marie said, “so it sounds to me like she was behaving exactly as normal. A cold hearted bitch. I told you it was useless to go and see her.”

Ed put his arm around his wife and pulled her close.

“Look, I know you didn’t know her before, but you have to believe me when I say that she is at heart the kindest, best person I know.” He rested his forehead against his wife’s and sighed.

“I only believe it because you could never have been in love with a woman that cold.” Marie said with a sniff.

“Come on folks, it’s Christmas,” Walter said, “Let’s have a toast. To Sloan, and peace in our time.”

“To Sloan and peace!” and they all raised their glasses and drank.

“No peace,” muttered Sloan. “Not possible. Sorry.” There were tears running down her cheeks. She sniffled softly and curled in tighter to Tom’s arms. He held her fast and kissed the back of her neck.

That was when she realized they had shifted again and were now lying on the bed with Tom spooned up against her.

“Are you sure, Sloan?” Tom asked. “You don’t even want to try?”

“No.” She sniffled again. “They took you away.”

“So think about this, Sloan.” Tom urged her, “You’re blocking peace negotiations just because we can’t be together?”

“Got it in one, Tom.” Sloan let out a strangled chuckle that was half way to a sob. She felt strange, light-headed. Floating.

“They killed you. They killed my love, Tom.” Sloan was gasping now, on the edge of tears.

“There’s always love, Sloan, look.”

 Tom pointed to the wall and it showed a scene just outside the apartment building. The limo was parked there and Karl was sitting inside. He had his hands wrapped around a carry-out coffee and he sat watching her building.

“Karl?”

“That’s right, Sloan. He sits out there whenever he is worried about you. He cares about you a lot.”

“No, not Karl. No emotions. That’s why I picked him,” she keeps thinking all this should be obvious to Tom, but he just sighs.

The wall fades back to it’s nondescript beige and looks like just a wall again.

“Christmas future is next, right?” Sloan asks.

“No, Sloan, no more Christmases.” Tom said in a low voice, shaking his head.

“But wait a sec - I’ve seen the movies, even if I haven’t read the book and there is supposed to be a Christmas future, me dead and stuff. Supposed to make me see the light!” The idea didn’t bother Sloan, dead with Tom was bound to be better than alive without him. Right?

“No, you’re out of time, Sloan.” Tom said holding her tighter, “I’m sorry.”

“Tom, let go, that’s too tight.” she twisted uncomfortably, but Tom just squeezed harder. “Tom! Let go!”

Her chest hurt now and her heart was thudding a mile a minute. She couldn’t breathe!

“If you’d really rather be with me than live, Sloan, then just relax. In another minute we’ll be together for good.” It was Tom’s voice in her ears, but when she looked down the arms around her had gone skeletal. She scrabbled at them with her nails trying to break free, but it was useless, they got tighter and tighter.

“No! Tom, no! Not yet! I’m not ready yet!” she gasped. There was no response.

Sloan shut her eyes and concentrated, “Karl! Karl! Help me!”

Then the world went black.

***

There was nothing.

Then there was a voice.

And another voice.

Murmuring something. Worried about something from the sound of it.

“She should be coming around soon. You got here just in time.”

“She wasn’t breathing. I don’t know for how long. I - I thought I’d lost her.”

Karl? Was that Karl?

“We won’t know about brain damage until she wakes up. It all depends on how long she was without oxygen.”

Ed. Definitely Ed. Who were they talking about?

Sloan tried to open her eyes. It was surprisingly difficult. Her voice seemed to have gone on the fritz as well.

“Uuhhhmmmph” was about all she could get out.

“Sloan?” Ed’s voice.

“Dr. Parker? Can you hear me?” Karl asked, there was a definite note of desperation there. Hmmmm.

“I... yeah... what happened?” Sloan finally managed.

“You stopped breathing. The accelerator you’ve been taking finally overloaded your nervous system. When you went to sleep your body just shut down.” She opened her eyes to find Ed’s worried face looming over her, and right next to him was Karl.

“How did you get here, Ed?” she asked in a creaky voice.

Karl cleared his throat, “I’m responsible, Dr. Parker,” he admitted, “I found you, started mouth to mouth and you started breathing again. I felt that calling a hospital would be too high profile. Dr. Tate seemed like the best choice.”

“Karl,” Sloan managed to sound angry even in her weakened state.

“Yes, ma’am.” her assistant stood a little straighter and clinched his jaw. He knew what would happen if he called in Dr. Tate. She had expressly forbidden him to contact Tate, after all.

“I think if you are going to sit watch outside my house and come charging to my rescue at the drop of a hat, then you can call me Sloan.”

She grinned as she watched Karl’s jaw drop. Ed too looked a bit stunned.

“And I want you to arrange for a press conference today.”

“No way, Sloan, “ Ed interrupted, “There is no way you are doing that. Not in your current condition.”

“Ed I just need to stand up for five minutes.”

“No.”

“Not even if I tell you that I am going to endorse the peace initiative?” She said in exasperation as she struggled to sit up straighter against the pillows. Karl jumped to help. And soon she was settled. She looked up at Ed again and found he was still staring at her, completely poleaxed.

“What?” the doctor finally managed.

“You heard me.” she said, “ so fix me up just for a five minute thing and then I will do what ever you say - promise, lab rat.”

Suddenly Ed was grinning. “You heard the woman, Karl!”

“Yes,” Karl agreed, giving Sloan a sidelong look, “ I just don’t know if I believe it.”

Sloan laughed. Which flummoxed Karl even more.

“I’m sleepy.” she said, “Call me when the press conference is ready.”

She settled back and closed her eyes and Ed thought he heard her whisper, “Thanks, Tom, love you, too.” as she drifted back to sleep.