MINDSCAPE
By Gail
"Hello? ... Walter? ..Hi, where are you?" Sloan walked to the window to look out. "You're just down the street? ... Yes, he's here ... we were just watching a movie. OK, I'll ask him". Sloan cupped her hand over the receiver and called to Tom "It's Walter, he said he needs to talk to you - he's practically right outside. Is it OK if he stops by for a minute?"
"Sure" said Tom who had been watching Sloan the whole time. Actually, he was glad to stop what they were doing. Sloan had wanted to explore his imagination and he was convinced he didn't have one. So as a test, she had forced him to sit through The Phantom Menace and watch computer-generated images that made no sense to him. He reached for the remote and gladly shut the VCR off. Yes, he thought, even Walter would be a pleasant interruption.
"He said it was OK, Walter .. come on over." Sloan hung up the phone and walked over to Tom. She took the remote out of his hand and put it on top of the TV. "I see you wasted no time in shutting off the video."
Tom started to say something but thought the better of it. He really didn't want to get involved in that discussion again. "So, why did Walter want to see me?"
"He didn't say but you can ask him yourself - I think I hear the door opening downstairs." A few seconds later, there was a knock on the door. It was Walter.
"Sloan ... Tom. Sorry for the intrusion at this hour but I just received a very important phone call and I needed to talk to Tom right away." Walter walked into the room and glanced around a bit. Well, the new place didn't have the character of Sloan's old apartment but she had added those special touches that still identified it as hers. He sat down on one of her large chairs, facing Tom who was on the loveseat. Sloan brought Walter a cup of coffee, then sat down next to Tom.
"You said something about a phone call? From who?" asked Tom.
"Mark Ward, my old contact from the coexistence faction."
"Mark? Tom wrinkled his brow, "I thought you said he was dead."
"'Probably dead', I said .... and that's what I thought when I didn't hear from him or anyone else from the faction. Even he intimated that he might not survive. But, he did manage to get back with the underground and was able to convince them into aligning themselves with us, but it's taken this long to accomplish that."
"What made them finally decide to work with us, Walter."
"You ... they want to meet with you, Tom. They need you to do something for them."
Tom studied Walter for a while, weighing what he was picking up from him. Walter was definitely convinced that this was the way to go but, Tom had doubts. Tom didn't know Mark Ward. He had only heard of him through Walter and Ray and he had no idea if he could be trusted.
"What do they need me to do?"
"It seems that they have the ear of an UN aide who is willing to meet with them, but only if you agree to be there as well."
"Me? I'm not a diplomat - I wasn't trained for that sort of negotiation."
"They know that, Tom. That's not what they are expecting from you. They have another agent that they will send with you who can handle the negotiations. What they need from you is your knowledge of Lewis and the chameleon program."
Sloan had been quietly listening to all this but did not like what she was hearing. It sounded too dangerous for Tom. "Where do they want to send Tom?"
Walter looked at Sloan's worried face and knew she wasn't going to take this well. "to New York, and eventually to the United Nations."
'I don't think that's a good idea, Walter. It's not safe for Tom and he isn't fully recovered ... "
"Yes, I am. I'm fine," interrupted Tom, "When do they want to meet, Walter?" Tom could feel Sloan's eyes boring into him and could feel her anger, her fear, wash over him but he refused to make eye contact with her. Instead, he continued to look at Walter.
"Tomorrow. I've picked a secure location. We'll all meet with Stephen Hart, the operative who will be travelling with you and you can size him up for yourself. I will call Mark with the location and time"
"OK. But tell him I will need to do a Level 1 clearance on this operative, or else I won't agree to it."
"Mark thought you might ask for that, whatever that is. He said that will be fine. We'll meet in my office at 9 AM. I want to discuss this with Ed and Ray, as well, and get their input. If all goes right, we can probably meet with Stephen Hart around noon." Walter paused and noticed that Tom was still looking at him, and Sloan hadn't taken her eyes off Tom. He knew they needed to talk about this, so he got up to go.
"Well, that's about it for now. I'll see you both in my office tomorrow. Thanks for the coffee,Sloan. Good night" and he let himself out of the apartment.
Before Sloan could say anything, Tom finally looked at her, his face filled with determination, "Look, I have to do this. We have all been working in the dark for way too long and here is our first opportunity to get somewhere."
"Tom, I know you think you're fine because you feel better, ... physically, that is. But, I don't think you're up to this emotionally."
Tom managed a small smile. "I don't have much in the way of emotions, Sloan. Remember?"
"You and I both know that's not exactly true. And I've seen the changes that come over you whenever someone brings up your experience at the facility - the distant looks, the way you fumble for words, the unsteadiness ... You've never opened up to any of us how you felt about what happened to you. I think it's consuming you inside but you refuse to admit it."
"Sloan, I don't need to talk about it. I'm fine. If you detect any tension, it's just because I need to work, instead of sitting around here watching TV all the time. I need to be productive."
"So, all these months that we've spent together, getting you well, getting to know each other, getting the underground together - you think all of that was unproductive?"
"No, no, Sloan, of course not. I appreciate everything that you and everyone has done for me, and I loved spending time with you, but, it's just that I need to do more than just talk about the underground - I need to be involved - to get my mind off of .., to get my mind working again..."
"No, Tom, you need to start working on your mind. How will you ever be able to handle any new situation that may come up without being in control of your mind first?"
"Sloan, ... stop, please" Tom begged her as he felt his nerves set on edge, "My mind is fine. What I need is for you to believe that. I can take take care of myself and what I need to do."
"No Tom, you can't ... you can't even handle this conversation we're having right now. Look at you - you're starting to perspire."
Tom touched his forehead and found that it was damp which made him even more agitated. He knew this wasn't like him, and so did Sloan. But, he couldn't admit his weakness. He felt he had to be strong for the rest of them - be that person they had come to depend on to protect them, ... to protect Sloan. He had wanted them all to think that the experience in the cage had not affected him mentally or emotionally. He hoped he had convinced them that he had been able to shield his mind from the abuse. And he had convinced himself that he could handle the images and fears that his mind conjured up. In time, he felt he could rid himself of them completely. And, so far, he thought he had been pretty successful in concealing his trauma from all of them, ... all of them, that is, except Sloan...
Tom started to pace back and forth in the living room. "Sloan, I'm just not used to confrontations like this. Can't we just stop and calm down for a while. Maybe we can finish watching the video..."
"You don't even like that video. Please, Tom, why can't you just admit that you have a problem so we can work it out ..." Sloan reached out to touch his arm but he withdrew from her.
"I do not have a problem!" He turned to her with a warning glare.
"Tom, ... then why are you losing your temper?" Sloan said softly, hoping to calm him down with her voice.
"I am not losing my ... Enough of this!" Tom slammed his hand down on the table and looked at Sloan through threatening granite-hard eyes. He saw Sloan take a step back from him and her eyes widen. He knew he had made a mistake - he had raised his voice to her. Immediately, he felt regret. He knew she was only trying to help him, to force him to accept the fact that he did need help, help which he couldn't admit to. So, instead, he had hurt her. He softened his eyes and pleaded with them silently for her to forgive him. He started to put his hand out to her but she just shook her head and went into the bedroom, closing the door behind her.
Tom just stood there helpless as he watched the door close on the one thing he cared about the most. He and Sloan had had conversations like this in the past - she, always offering him her help and understanding, and him, always denying and rejecting her attempts at help. But, he had never lost his temper with her. Maybe the prospect of work made him too eager to move on - to get the focus off of him. He didn't know. But one thing was for sure, he had crossed that unspoken line tonight, he had threatened her. He had scared her and it made him realize how different he was from her . It made him feel alone again.
He looked at the closed door for another second and then moved toward it. A slight turn on the knob confirmed what he already suspected - it was locked. He could've easily broken it and entered the room, but he knew enough not to do that. Instead, he leaned his forehead on the door and called gently to Sloan.
"I'm sorry Sloan...." He waited, hoping for a response, any response. It came a few seconds later.
"I'm sorry, too, Tom."
But Tom knew that her "sorry" did not carry the same connotation as his. He took a deep breath and bowed his head. He leaned against the door for another moment and then raised his head and turned toward the front door. When he had crossed the living room, he looked back at the bedroom door one more time, hoping that Sloan would open it and offer him her forgiveness. But, he knew that was not going to happen. At least, not tonight. He took his coat out of the closet, threw it over one arm, and walked out of the apartment....
Sloan thought she heard the front door close. "Tom?" She unlocked the bedroom door and called for Tom again. Nothing. She checked the other rooms but it was evident he had gone. She sank into the chair Walter recently had vacated, and cried. She knew she had pushed him a little too much. All she really wanted was for him to see that he did need help and then be willing to accept it. His life - in fact all their lives - might one day depend on his stability. And to go across the continent, without her, with a stranger who could not possibly understand his make-up and what he had been subjected to by the government, could be devastating to him. And now, she had chased him away when he probably needed her the most..... She continued to sob in the chair until she fell into an exhausted, troubled sleep.